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I miss YOU.

No, not you. Keep dreaming.

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Picture this:

Boyfriend and girlfriend have not seen each other in about three or four days. They are not accustomed to this, for theirs is a relationship that has no problem whatsoever with conflict of schedules (mostly thanks to the boy's unchanging state of availability) and seeing each other at least 6 days a week is routinary.

On one Friday night the girl, a bit disoriented, asked her boyfriend if he would go to church with her and her family the next day (thinking that Sunday was the next day), and he agreed. Either way, Sunday or not, they had already talked about seeing each other the next day that Friday night.

The next morning the girl, realizing her mistake (the major tipoff was when her parents did not wake her up at 8am to go to church), just assumed that she and her boyfriend would be seeing each other still, even if it was not in church. But he informed her that he had other plans. He and his friends had made plans to go swimming that day. He invited her to come along, which was a good compromise for him--he could keep both his girlfriend and his friends happy--but she didn't think her parents would allow her since the place was far and there was no way for her to get home, hence she didn't bother to ask permission.

Everything was fine. It was okay with her if he wanted to go out with his friends, just so long as he made time to see her that afternoon (they were going swimming at night, anyway). Unfortunately for her, the boys wanted to cook their own food and the designated place for the cooking was her boyfriend's house. He couldn't leave the house until the cooking was done, and it ended at around 7pm or so, leaving very little time for him to go see her. But still, he went, even when she told him not to bother since it was late and he wasn't going to be able to stay long, anyway. He arrived at her house at around half-past 9pm and, after talking a bit and having dinner together, left about an hour later.

Now normally his girlfriend would have been extremely pissed due to the fact that his swimming plans with his friends had ruined their chance to spend some time together that day, after not seeing each other for quite a while. But she let it go. There was really no use to be a brat about it. She even lent him her camera so that they could have pictures of their get-together.

Later that night, after he had stopped replying to her messages (probably because he was in the pool) she decided to call it a night. She texted him that she was going to sleep now, and that he better remember that he had agreed to go to church with her the next morning. He replied by telling her that he wasn't so sure, since he would most probably be sleeping really late (her church service starts at 8:30am) and wouldn't be able to lift himself out of bed in time to attend church. She was calm at first, saying that he had agreed to do this even before this whole swimming thing with his friends was ever planned, and that it would be unfair of him to disregard her request simply because he was too tired from having fun that night.

More words were exchanged, slowly getting more and more infuriating. They got into a fight--she started crying. It hurt her that he had already let his plans with his friends ruin not just one, but two of his plans with her. She didn't mind so much that he wasn't able to see her that Saturday afternoon, but she at least hoped that he would make it up to her by going to church with her the next day, as promised. To make things right, he told her that he would skip sleeping so that he'd be able to attend church with her. By this time, however, not even this plan could appease her. It looked to her like the pity promise that it was. She knew he would not have offered to make a way to attend church if she had not made such a stink about it. She wanted him to devise a way to come out of his own volition, not because she was prodding him to.

In the end, she called him an insensitive jerk.

And in the end, he retaliated by saying that she was one to talk. She was the one who was being insensitive, because if it were the other way around and she was the one who had flaked on their plans due to the fact that she did not get enough sleep, he would have understood. He would not have pushed her to come if she really couldn't.

She no longer replied, but she wondered, Would he really have understood? If she had broken plans with him simply because she was out late all night, partying with her girlfriends, would he have understood that she was too sleepy to wake up and too tired from dancing all night to carry out the original plans that they had? Probably not.

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OH MY GOSH.

I've heard about the fires in California, but it completely slipped my mind that San Diego is in that state, which probably means that it was affected. I'm not really sure. I've never been up to date on world news and shit.

I'm worried because my grandparents and a couple of other relatives live there. But yeah, I'm mostly worried about my grandparents. I know it sounds selfish and callous but, if the fire was in some other place like New Jersey or Texas, I probably wouldn't have taken much notice. However it just so happens that I have family in San Diego, which means that I am affected--in a way--and I should be taking notice.

But I don't know. I think I've led too sheltered a life to feel any sort of dread or fear for other people--I've never experienced anything scary or dangerous or completely life-threatening, anything that would allow me to be able to relate with other people's suffering. Because that's it, isn't it? We feel empathy for those who are scared or in pain only when we have felt the same thing, or something similar to it, otherwise we just don't feel any sort of emotion except for a vague hint of pity (or an overwhelming one, depending on the situation) for the people who are hurting.

Do I sound like an insensitive asshole? I'm sorry. It's just that I can be really selfish at times, and it gets pretty easy for me to push bad events out of my mind if it does not concern me directly. Take the Glorietta bombing, for example. As soon as I heard about it I called my mom and demanded to know where she was and if she was OK--she likes to have lunch there kasi. Once she reassured me that she was fine, I kind of stopped caring about the whole thing. I only had a mild interest in the matter, and of course I felt sorry for the people who were hurt during this tragedy, but gone was the gripping in my heart and the insane, paranoid thoughts that I felt before I was able to contact my mom.

I feel bad that I cannot feel intense emotion for other people. Like, I don't get bothered that much when I hear about people dying because of a fire or an earthquake or because they were killed by soldiers in the war. It doesn't raise any great feelings of distress or anything inside of me.

Dudes, I feel totally evil.

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This is what I've been keeping myself busy with:

In case you have no idea who these people are, they're the cast of Gossip Girl. I've been watching the episodes on YouTube. There are only a handful at the moment, since the series has only recently gone on air.

The couple in the first picture is Serena Van Der Woodsen and Dan Humphrey, played by Blake Lively--the blonde girl in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants--and Penn Badgley--John's brother in John Tucker Must Die. The second picture is of Blair Waldorf, Serena's best friend, played by Leighton Meester. She's my favorite. Her face is indescribable. Look look, see for yourself:

Isn't she gorgeous? Maybe it's just me, but I totally love her. I read in her profile thingie on CWTV that she's into creative writing and music, which kinda makes me like her even more. ♥

So anyway, on to other things. I've been thinking of getting a job during break. I really want to start earning my own money, mainly for three reasons:

First is the fact that I am in dire need of some new clothes, but my parents won't cough up because we have other expenses to think about.

Second is that I want to buy a new laptop, one with my own money, that way my parents can't keep taking it away from me--Dad has been confiscating my laptop lately since I've been spending way too much time online.

For the third, well, I just want to have my own spending money.

Hmm. So that's all I have to say. Wish me luck on the job front. ♥

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You know what I want? I want someone who can make me happy. As in really happy, like I'm-an-innocent-child-once-more-and-I-don't-care-about-anything kind of happy. Someone who can make me forget everything else, who can make me float even when I'm wallowing in my own self-induced hell.

I want someone who tells me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and to-die-for even when my hair's greasy and my face looks like a pizza slice. I want someone who makes me feel confident about myself, who tells me how twisted I am to be thinking of myself as a talentless dumbfuck.

I want someone who won't bring me down--someone who won't tell me that I can't dance or that I'm fat. Someone who won't dismiss me when I say random things (which is something I do a lot of the time) or tell stupid jokes. I want someone who listens to what I say and at least tries to participate in the conversation.

I want someone who cares about me, someone who would actually take the time to try and make me feel better when I'm depressed because my parents seem to be ignoring me all of a sudden when just hours ago everything was fine.

I want someone who takes me out once in a while and makes me feel special.

I want someone who talks to me and enjoys it.

I want someone who'll like me not because of how I look.

I want someone who can appreciate the tiny little gestures that I make.

I want someone who wants to make me happy.

Sometimes, though...

...you can't always get what you want.

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Redesigned my blog again. Hehe. The codes and the layout, I got from Blogskins--but I made the rainbows and stuff. Is it obvious that I have a rainbow fixation? :p

So anyway, Happy Birthday to twinnies, Charz and Chad Mendoza! And of course, to my little brother, who is now 15. Happy Birthday, Matt! :)

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Yehey, I'm back. It's MY semestral break, finally. Feels so good to be free from the torture chambers, otherwise known as our school classrooms. Okay, I am exaggerating, but seriously I have never hated school this much. The only saving grace here is that I actually feel pretty smart now. Hahaha. In Ateneo kasi there are so many smart people, it's so hard to compete!

Anyway, I'm beat. Spent the last hour trying to fix my blog, and although it's pretty cluttered, I'm happy about it. Heehee. Anyway, here's what's on my mind now:

Tomorrow I don't know where I'm supposed to go. Iya wants me to come with her to a VTR for these Globe ads (I don't want to cos I'm feeling ugly at the moment) and Mae and I have plans to go KTV-ing (a different sort of lakad, for a change), plus Chris said something about another photoshoot the other day. So yeah, I'm stumped. I have no idea where to go.

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Wow, I feel so bad for Britney Spears. So bad. It's like, a miracle that she hasn't tried to kill herself, with everything that's happening right now. OK I'm bored, obviously. I've been looking up stuff on her, ever since I saw the news on Yahoo that her performance on the VMAs bombed big time. There's all this crap about her being fat and lip-synching, and all the other criticisms that have been thrown her way. In her defense I would like to say that she actually looked good, for someone who's had two kids and is slowly wasting away because of a bad marriage and too much bad publicity. And come on, she hasn't performed in a while, plus she has a lot of stuff on her plate--who wouldn't mess up?

Poor girl. Britney may have made a lot of bad choices in her life, but why do people have to give her flak for it? I mean, okay, sometimes she's just asking for it. But the poor girl seriously needs a break. She took time off from her career and yet it's like, instead of getting to breathe and relax, she was just subjected to more insults and scandals and all that.

Seriously, I am sad for her. I hope she finds God.

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